"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…"
Emma Lazarus (The Statue of Liberty)
"GIMME ME YOUR BLINGEES!!!"
HOW? Battle of the Blingees: Dallas Stars Edition! We are going to Blingee us some Dallas Stars between now and the inaugural Preds/Stars clash of the 2013-14 season. That’s how.
Dallas, Dallas, Dallas. It seems like so many blue moons ago since the Predators last played the Stars. How things can change on a dime so fast in just a few short months! The Stars are now in the Central Division, they’re teeming with new/old blood (Tyler Seguin/Lindy Ruff) and it’s abundantly clear that these two teams are viewing each other as potential foes in the realignment wildcard race. So let’s celebrate, shall we?
- Visit the Blingee website http://blingee.com/ to sign up for Blingee if you aren’t already a privileged member of the club. It’s free and it takes 10 seconds. Bonus: They won't even ask you to divulge anything about your address or your genitals during the registration process. You’ll thank us later for this!
- Then, check out the Dallas Stars’ "Hockey High Fashion" Pinterest page: http://www.pinterest.com/dallasstarsnhl/hockey-high-fashion/ No, that was not a typo. I really wrote PINTEREST with respect to hockey. Uh-huh. The Stars made me do it, though.
WHAT NOW? Face it. In a peanut shell, when you look at these guys, you’re looking at Kim Jong-un meets Tip Top Tailors.
This is a team that exudes a North Korea-Nanaimo "je ne sais quoi" that screams, "Hear me now and believe me later! I might not be able to successfully launch a long-range nuclear warhead, but I can KICK YOUR BUTT AND THROW YOU DOWN in a bathtub race!" Here they are in covert morning skate footage working on uber-crucial hockey fundamentals like pulling the trigger, looking gnarly with night vision goggle/binocular combos and Finding Their 5-Hole. Paging Kevin Weekes. Come in, Weekesie:
Just look at them. Just. Look. At. Them.
OKAY DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
I don’t blame you. I confess I had to avert my eyeballs after a mere 10 seconds. The ghastly, crinkly, shiny, ill-fitting suits. The salads and over gelled dressing. The awkward poses. The forced, contorted Rico Suavay-ness. But above all, THE PINTEREST. Really, Dallas Stars? What’s next? A team-sponsored video tutorial starring Jamie Benn demonstrating how to properly medicate your plantar warts? Perhaps Ray Whitney will pin scratch ‘n sniff photos of his favorite car scentsicles so your shiny, immaculate show-worthy muscle cars won’t smell like hockey? Or maybe Somebody's Mom will force Shawn Horcoff to pin an inedible bouillabaisse recipe chock full of misspelled - and MISSING! - ingredients that have measurements that are NOT IN METRIC??? OMFG. That's what Pinterest is all about, friends: Hackneyed Pins From Hell That Make No Freaking Sense, because they were promoted and subsequently corrupted by cackling, illiterate yentas who are too lazy to stop, think and learn. Quel horreur et non merci.
Basically, we're going to do these guys a colossal favor and transform them from a lot less Tip Top into a lot more Mr. Dressup. Hockey players should take this general advice to heart, anyway. Think of Blingee as a virtual "tickle trunk" ticket to the supernatural. If Mr. Dressup were here right now, he would be all over the Blingee and way into our project:
- Study these Stars Pinterest photos very carefully, because you will only – ONLY! – be allowed to select up to two (2) player portraits (per person) to Blingee. We recognize this will be an agonizing decision for you, OTF readers. However, you must limit your Blingee’ing to a mere two (2) Stars portraits per person. You are permitted to Blingee the same player twice, though! If you really want to. (???)
- Please note that for the purposes of this epic exercise, you are only permitted to Blingee Stars portraits from this specific Stars Pinterest page. Blingees of other Stars photos will be torn up and used as gerbil and/or parakeet cage bottom poo-poo paper. The reason for this is to ensure that everybody is working from the same equally grotesque, official "canvas", so to speak. Everybody’s Blingee begins on the same horrible footing this way.
- Submit Dallas Stars Blingees to blingitOTF@yahoo.com using the subject line "Battle of the Blingees" by 12:00 a.m. (CST) on Thursday, December 12. Don’t forget to include the entire Blingee code for your creation, in the event your Blingee is ultimately selected as a Grand Prize Blingee Star finalist. We will also need your OTF/SBN monicker to make sure everybody knows who's who. It goes without saying that Blingee submissions must be profanity-free and must adhere to OTF’s Community Guidelines, but there. I said it anyway. Otherwise, all’s fair in love, war and the Central Division. Please direct any Battle Of The Blingees-related questions to this e-mail address.
REMEMBER THERE WILL BE FOUR MORE MEETINGS THIS SEASON BETWEEN THESE TEAMS.
SO MANY GAMES. SO MANY BLINGEES.
OH, I ALMOST FORGOT! THIS:
WARNING: ARE YOU A FORMER STARS PLAYER OR MAYBE YOU WERE DRAFTED BY THE STARS ORGANIZATION? EH?! DARN, DARN, DARN, AS HERMAN MUNSTER USED TO SAY. WELL, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING TO BLING YOUR WAY INTO THIS CONTEST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT INVITED. UNLESS YOU WEAR A VISOR!!! CHEERS, THANKS A LOT!
WHAT THEN? On game day morning, the best Blingees will be unveiled in a post you’re not likely to forget anytime soon. You might want to invest in some 3-D glasses. Just saying. Without giving too much away, a very special guest of OTF has indicated he might be amenable to critiquing the best Blingees our readers have to offer. These crème de la crème Blingees will be presented before you, most excellent OTF readers, to select as your Grand Prize Blingee Star. The poll will close after the conclusion of the Preds/Stars game.
WHAT DO I WIN? Bragging rights. And Tattoupées, Foodie Bandages, Jinx Removing Spray, Roller Girl Candy Cigarettes and perhaps an Anime Eyes Sleep Mask for high-maintenance, midlife crisis/business traveler acid reflux-induced insomnia types who do way too much sitting. Who knows? In sum, you'll get a grab bag of mysterious but hellof amazing, awesome and yummylicious stocking stuffers from Archie McPhee if you promise to be a loud and proud Preds fan. LOUD AND PROUD. OKAY?
Good luck, everybody! Shall We Get DOWN & Get The Party Started? Eyes Of The South, Smashville: