FanPost

Eeeny MEANY Minny Mo: Ilya's "MEANY" Preview

Greetingggzz, Nurshweel! Ilya Bryzgalov here!

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©MouthGuard

Me and my BFF MouthGuardzzz are here in beautifils, bustling downtown metropolitan Anal-heim, CA! Sexy, yes?

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For reals, these photos are from Laguna Beach, and these Olympics medals are Teemus (not mines!) because Teemu rulez but I mean c'mon you already knew that, right? This beetch is THE KING and he is finally calling it queets already thank GHADS. His most popular drink in his bar is named for his wife because she is 1000% perfect so of course he named a cocktailzzz after her likeness and put fuzzy raspberzz in middle of drink to make even more perfect in her beautifils honor. It's got Chambord and vodka and raspberzz and sheet in it. Yummy sheet. Good stuff. Almost as good as his short reebs and his steeeeecky toffeeee puuuudingzzzz. It looked something like this except it was whiter and creamier, and it didn't have blueberzzz in it. This is my fortified pre-game smoothie I enjoy with MouthGuardzzz, by the way:

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And this is delicious post-game banana ice creams with blackberzzz that looks like buubs for some reason I heff no idea:

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MouthGuardzzz thinks I'm mental but for sure I think the end is near Because Earthquake and Alien Encounters in Cabanas so we're partying like it's 1999 in LA:

The End Is Near, Bryz. muah muah muah -- xxx MG

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Anal-heim could not beatings you last week, no? Pekka is a Beetch with candy cane heep who must be reckoned with. Here he is preparing to kee-ul some Ducks in the tunnel before third period or something. What a keel-ur champion from Scandinavia, Nurshweel. You should be proud of this Beetch.

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I know I am, and I'm from Outer Space.

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Oh look - saltwater taffis from Laguna Beach boardwalk!!! I like wild cherry and marshmallowzzz swirlzzz but what kind do you prefer, Nurshweel? Look at ducky in there to be a beetch but whatever. Very funny, MouthGuard. Very funny. I eatings all your lemon custards, okays? Aha!!!

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You should also be proud of your own version of R2D2, Carter Hutton!!! That Junior Beetch Meed-get Goalie keeked major butt in San Whorese, getting his first shut out in En Haitch Hell and sheet! I saw the whole thing and it was majorly awesome! Meed-get Goalie should be hugely proud!!!

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Fourth liner posing for his portfolio/first draft meeting at Musso & Frank's. Yes? No? Maybe? Or just Mel's?

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Oh, okay! Sure! Enforcer:

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Also, forget time change - It's Horny Time on West Coast!!!2i2cyc_medium

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I know you must wonder how comes I look like all Star Wharzzzz and sheet, right? :) Well, it's last game of season and I don't want to break my face like all those other goalie dumdumzz so I prepare ahead and get Fairmont pastry chef to make me specials goalie pads and armor from WHITE CHOCOLATE like special R2D2 display from San Jose Tech Museum so Captain BoomBoom don't break my face like he like to do to goalie dumdumzz all day every day, Nurshweel! I think ahead and prepare for BoomBoom Slapshotzzz!!!

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This way, he can for realz eat me!!! FOR REALZ! Because I will be made of white chocolate and THE FORCE WILL BE WITH ME, NURSHWEEL!!! For a change, I don't heff to dream of being made of chocolate!!! Dreamz become reality!!!

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Captain BoomBoom. Don't Break My Face. Gonna Eat Me:

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Except, this was all a cruel, mean MEANY DREAM because as you are aware, Nurshweel: I was traded to MEANY at trade deadline so in reality I never got to go to California with BFF MouthGuardzzz and all of this was just cruel and mean and cruel and mean. In fact, all I got to do was go from Edmonton to MEANY on a fugly airplanez and there is no beautifils, pure saltwater oceans in MEANY. Just freshwater lakes that stinkz of unwashed vagina fugly feesh.

I hate it here in MEANY. Nurshweel.

I hate it here.

KEE-UL US, NURSHWEEL.

KEE-UL US.

Technically, MEANY made playoffs and all thats, but for reals: We're not gonna get past first round. So whatever. Keel us. We stinkz like freshwater feesh . Nobody cares. Kee-ul us!!!

Can I play for your team next year, Nurshweel? Plez? Maybe be promo guy or play-by-play person when Crispee retires? Let me know, okay?

I don't heff to be goalie!!! I can be team dog-walker! Just escape me from MEANY!!!

They're MEAN in MEANY!!! I want to make nice and win games! Right, MouthGuard?

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MG: Riiiight.

This FanPost was written by an OTF reader, and does not represent the views of the editorial staff. Got something you'd like to share? <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/admin/entries/new?community_id=208&entry_type=FanPost" target="new">Post your own</a>!

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