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2017 NHL Offseason Survival Guide

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Some things to keep in mind during the haze of a hockey-less summer.

Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

With start of free agency quickly approaching, and our favorite Nashville-based hockey team in the hunt for multiple marquee players, many Predator fans may feel the need to make 30 tweet threads regarding the acquisition of players that will send the team millions of dollars over the salary cap, or about why David Poile should be fired due to a late pick up.

In a hope of possibly delaying those tweets, I have compiled a free agency survival guide for different methods that, when used correctly, can make everyone’s lives a bit calmer and everyone’s Twitter feeds a bit quieter.

Method 1: Remember that big moves do not equal good moves

I’ll begin with the most important but least followed method. Big moves can, and usually do, rock the hockey world. However, making ESPN’s news cycle doesn’t guarantee a good decision was made. They can often backfire, and the poor decision will be magnified because everyone was talking about the move.

Remember when everyone went nuts because Brad Richards went to New York? People framed them as a super-team, then all of the praises were quickly silenced. He had a drop off in goals and assists, and a pesky sixty million dollar contract to show for it.

So before you go worshiping David Poile for signing some star for a boatload of money, take a minute to analyze the contract, the player, and the role he will play. After you’ve done all of this, now is the time to go on Twitter and argue with people thousands of miles away about people you’ve never even met.

Method 2: Do not, under any circumstance, buy a jersey with a name on it

This one can be applied year-round, but we all remember why it’s important this time of year.

Hockey organizations are a business. In the eyes of an executive, players are just pawns in a game where the end goal is to make money. Because of this, players move from team to team constantly this time of year. So, unless you want your jersey to remind you of a potential terrible move, don’t get a name on the back of your jersey. You’ll look like just as big a fan in a blank sweater, and you’ll be saving yourself a little money at the same time, since jerseys with names cost more.

I myself was once foolish enough to roll the dice and buy a named jersey, and my run of happiness ended just over a week ago (I’ll always love you, Nealer). Now I’ll have to throw another hundred dollars at the Predators Pro Shop.

Don’t be like me. Just get a blank one.

Method 3: Don’t expect fan favorites to stick around because the fans love them

Tying into my last method, don’t expect any player to be untouchable. Even if guys like Connor McDavid are most likely untouchable, thinking they aren’t is a good rule of thumb. I say this because, as previously stated, General Managers see this as a business. GM’s would much rather see a Stanley Cup champion, rather than a bunch of fan favorites that miss the playoffs every year, as would most fans. So before you cry your eyes out that your favorite player is gone, remember that 1) It’s for the best for him, and 2) He never even knew you existed.

Method 4: If all else fails, delete your social media

Quick disclaimer: This is not meant to discourage anyone from the wonders of social media. It connects people from all around the world, and makes many lives better.

I’m absolutely positive Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg didn’t create their websites so angry fans could curse out complete strangers because of sports. So, if you really just can’t bring yourself to a rational mindset and follow the other methods, please, save us all from your rants. It really just isn’t worth it, because not only will your digital shouting match opponent be mad at you, so will everyone else whose feeds are being clogged up by your expletive laced comments. And let’s be real, if you need to talk to someone so quickly that it cannot wait for the end of the offseason, you can just text or call them.

I will leave you with this: tweets are 140 characters. Don’t waste 140 characters of your life being rude to someone because of hockey.