It’s January 1st, 2021.
Luke Schenn takes to the ice in an empty Bridgestone Arena to warm up before the a game against the San Jose Sharks. The lumbering defender wonders aloud what he’s gotten himself into, glancing at the golden “L” crest on his shoulder before continuing his skate.
Luke Poile watches from his perch in the press box alongside newly-minted coach Luke Richardson. Luke Kunin arrives on the ice in a newly-minted jersey with a “C” stitched to it.
It’s been a really weird offseason.
October 7th, 2020
Current Time: 2:00 AM (Central)
David Poile is fitfully dreaming of drafting a big, strapping American defender who becomes a Hall of Famer, as he so frequently does (a recurring dream is not abnormal). He reaches for the phone to make the call and select Tyler Klevin, but is greeted by an unfamiliar voice. The speaker tells Poile that he is the Lord of Hockey, and that he has a grand design for Poile to lead the Nashville Predators to a Stanley Cup win. Poile listens with joy and commits the plan to memory, promising that he will execute it as the hockey gods intend. He wakes up and makes some calls. The wheels are set in motion.
October 8th, 2020
David Poile has acquired four players named Luke in a day. This is very funny to everyone for no particular reason. The gag is enjoyable for a day or so but is rapidly forgotten. Nobody thinks much of it.
October 9th, 2020
David Poile signs Luke Schenn, trades for Luke Glendening, and ships future draft picks for Luke Tuch. The team announces the firing of John Hynes and then goes dark. Nobody knows what the hell is going on. The organization is on lockdown.
October 15th, 2020
After a tip from a driver’s service center, On The Forecheck reports that every player on the Nashville Predators have changed their first name to Luke. Nobody knows why. The organization is still dark.
October 30th, 2020
Luke Poile holds a press conference for new hire Luke Richardson. Nobody asks a single question concerning the coach and Poile is bombarded with accusations of insanity. He smiles knowingly and answers nobody. He knows his plan is assured.
December 20th, 2020
The opening night roster for the Nashville Predators is announced. All the original Lukes and their newly christened brethren are going to be the backbone of a glorious championship team. Everyone is in open revolt and the players are attempting to reach ownership, who seem to be totally uncaring. It is to no avail. Luke Kunin is named captain and the team gets a new shoulder patch in a golden L. Poile looks at his glorious creation with a smile on his face.
The Nashville Predators have made the playoffs and won all 82 games. The Lukes move like members of a hive mind, bestowed with the power of a shared name, a camaraderie bonus that every GM before Poile had missed. The rest of the league laments its foolishness as Luke Sissons wins MVP thanks to his new top-six role and Luke Tinordi wins the Norris Trophy due to his very tall play. The vision has been fulfilled. Luke Poile has ascended above petty GM evaluating techniques and seen the true light: all that matters is a shared identity.
The Predators obliterate every team in the postseason before merging into a Luke singularity and leaving to create a Luke-centric life on a more understanding planet. All is well in Nashville thanks to the efforts of the man once known as David Poile, whose lofty visions of a Luke team of destiny helped propel the franchise into the future with unparalleled success.
This has been a passive-aggressive Fun Friday. Hope y’all enjoyed.