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BREAKING: MCCARRON REVEALS MUTANT INFILTRATION OF NASHVILLE PREDATORS

I’VE TAKEN OVER THIS PUNY HUMAN’S JOB TO WARN YOU OF THE MUTANT THREAT

GREETINGS HUMANS. I HAVE TAKEN OVER THIS LOWLY HUMAN YOU CALL “BRYAN” TO ENSURE THE HUMAN SPECIES IS AWARE OF THE MUTANT SCOURGE CURRENTLY TAKING OVER OUR PLANET - MUTANTS.

THE USELESS AND SCRAWNY ONE NAMED “BRYAN” SPOKE TO MICHAEL MCCARRON AFTER HIS LAST GAME, AND THE HUMAN TRAITOR REVEALED THAT HIS NASHVILLE PREDATORS TEAMMATES WERE “A BUNCH OF MUTANTS”. TURN YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN EYES TO THE INTERVIEW BELOW.

THIS IS A THREAT THAT CANNOT BE IGNORED - SO I’LL ASSIST YOU IN IDENTIFYING JUST HOW MUCH OF YOUR FAVORITE HOCKEY TEAM IS ACTUALLY MUTANT SCUM.

Defender and Captain Roman Josi - Nightcrawler

NHL: Pittsburgh Penguins at Nashville Predators
Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports
Nightcrawler
Marvel Studios

THIS ONE IS EASY - THE ONE KNOWN AS “MACE” REVEALED ROMAN JOSI’S REAL IDENTITY YEARS AGO, YET NONE OF YOU PAID IT ANY MIND. NOBODY IN THE NHL SKATES LIKE THE SWISS MAN CAN, AND HE’S SO FAST HE APPEARS INSTANTLY ON ONE SIDE OF THE ICE AFTER DEFENDING ON THE OTHER. HE IS DANGEROUS AND MUST BE STOPPED.

Forward Tanner Jeannot - Wolverine

NHL: Dallas Stars at Nashville Predators
Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports
Wolverine
Marvel\Fox

IF ANY OF YOU HUMANS HAVE PAID ATTENTION, YOU’LL KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. WHO ELSE WOULD GET INTO SO MANY FIGHTS? THIS MUTANT HAS FOUGHT HUMAN COMPETITORS TWELVE TIMES - MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE PUNY NHL - AND SEEMS INDESTRUCTABLE. PLUS, HE’S A ROOKIE? BUT HE’S 24? SEEMS LIKE A LIKELY STORY FOR AN AGELESS MUTANT WHO HAS LIVED DECADES IN SECRET. HE IS DANGROUS AND MUST BE STOPPED.

Forward Yakov Trenin - Colossus

NHL: Nashville Predators at Carolina Hurricanes
James Guillory-USA TODAY Sports
Colossus
Marvel

RUSSIAN? CHECK. ALSO NEARLY INDESTRUCTABLE? DOUBLE CHECK. CAN RUN THROUGH MULTIPLE HUMANS LIKE IT’S NOTHING? THAT IS THE IMPOSTER POSING AS YAKOV TRENIN. HE IS DANGEROUS AND MUST BE STOPPED.

Forward Filip Forsberg - Gambit

Filip Forsberg
Gambit
Marvel

HUMOUROUS THAT A POST-GAME CELEBRATION WOULD BE “FILIP FORSBERG’S” UNDOING. EVEN WITHOUT THE OBVIOUS CARD COSTUME, FORSBERG IS INCREDIBLY TALENTED, UNNATURALLY HANDSOME, AND DESPITE BEING A STAR, DOESN’T GET THE COVERAGE HE DESERVES. HE IS DANGEROUS AND MUST BE STOPPED.

Forward Matt Duchene - Magneto

NHL: Western Conference Qualifications-Nashville Predators at Arizona Coyotes
Perry Nelson-USA TODAY Sports
Magneto
Fox/Marvel

IF YOU DID NOT BELIEVE MY WARNINGS BEFORE, SURELY YOU WILL NOW. THE GREATEST THREAT TO HUMANKIND JOINED THE TEAM LATE (FROM THE BROTHERHOOD OF MUTANTS OR THE COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS), WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR NASHVILLE FANS’ PAIN IN THE PAST, AND HAS HIT MORE METAL THAN ANY OTHER PREDATOR - NINE TIMES DID THIS PATHETIC BUT CORRECTLY-PAID MUTANT HIT THE CROSSBAR OR GOALPOST THIS SEASON - AN OBVIOUS CONNECTION TO HIS POWER OVER METAL. HE IS DANGEROUS AND MUST BE STOPPED.

Nashville Predators Leaders in Hitting the Post
Data: Evolving Hockey | Viz: PUNY HUMAN BRYAN BASTIN

Head Coach John Hynes - Professor Xavier

Nashville Predators headshots
Head Coach John Hynes
Professor Charles Xavier
Fox/Marvel

I MEAN, C’MON. JUST LOOK AT HIM. AND HE’S THEIR LEADER? THE MUTANTS MUST BE DESPERATE TO HIDE THEIR MOST POWERFUL ASSET IN PLAIN SIGHT WITH BARELY A DISGUISE. PATHETIC. HOWEVER, HE IS DANGEROUS AND MUST BE STOPPED.


WE ALL NEED YOUR HELP, HUMANS, TO EXTINGUISH THE MUTANT THREAT. MCCARRON WILL BE SPARED DUE TO HIS TESTIMONY, AND SO COULD YOU IF YOU DECIDE TO NAME MORE PREDATOR MUTANTS IN THE COMMENTS BELOW. ANSWER, AND I MIGHT RELEASE THE ONE NAMED “BRYAN” FROM HIS PAINFUL EXISTANCE TO BORE YOU ONCE AGAIN WITH CHARTS AND MATH. HE MUST PAY FOR MAKING HOCKEY ABOUT MATH. HE IS IN NO WAY DANGEROUS, BUT ALSO MUST BE STOPPED.