C.S.I OTF: The Case of the Errant Golfball
THIS IS SATIRE. Do not take this seriously. In fact, you're better off not even reading this in the first place.
Late last night, OTF's own Jason Zito turned our reader's attention to Carrie Underwood publicly and mercilessly taking potshots at teenagers. We were as surprised as you but, as much as it pained us to publish, we couldn't in good conscience hide the truth from the world. Especially when it's directed toward American Hero Seth Jones.
However, something felt off. Our keen sense of intuition told us there was something more to this story than just what was at the surface. So the entire On the Forecheck investigation squad assembled for an all-nighter of bang up detective work. (Pictured here.)
At first all of our hard work seemed futile. It was one constant dead end after another until we finally stumbled across our first real lead:
Hey @seth_jones3 do you know anything about a golfball hitting my house a few minutes ago?? Eagle eyes may have spotted you near the scene— Mike Fisher (@mikefisher1212) July 23, 2014
Mike Fisher was the one to start this entire thing. Carrie was merely following up on her husband's inquiry on the alleged residential assault. You may get away with ignoring Mikey, but when Mrs. Underwood asks, you answer. And that's exactly what Jones did:
@carrieunderwood I claim my shots. But I don't claim my little brothers... @Jones4Caleb is banned from the course until his game improves.— Seth Jones (@seth_jones3) July 23, 2014
Deflecting the blame to someone else. A classic teenage move.
With our information growing by the minute, the crew buckled down. We made a few calls, and our connections down at the precinct were nice enough to hook us up with video footage of the Jones brothers. You can plainly see them practicing for the eventual incident, proving it was a premeditated attack. Enjoying themselves, indeed.
Though we couldn't prove which Jones the projectile in question originated from, we knew they were working together. Still, none of it seemed to add up. Where was the motive? What prompted the sudden outburst? Why the Underfish?
Jason and I poured over our research for hours, sustaining ourselves on nothing but burnt coffee and cigar ashes. Finally, within the grease-stained walls of a decaying diner our minds put the pieces together almost simultaneously. Wide eyed, we finally understood...
Seth and Caleb weren't the orchestrators, that would have been too simple. They were merely pawns. Pawns in an elaborate scheme to cause shame and ruin to the Fisherwoods. But who could do such a thing? Who was not only merciless enough to manipulate the minds of the young, but had cause enough against Mike and Carrie to want to do them harm? It could be none other than...
THE CHIPMUNK! The very same vile vermin that infiltrated the Fisher Estate and violently attacked Carrie's loving husband! The Chipmunk had been thwarted once, but evil knows no bounds. He knew he couldn't be caught in the same place twice, but still wanted the Fisher's to fear for their safety in the confines of their own home. So he turned to outside help.
Why Seth Jones? Because frankly, Jones is excellent at striking terror into the hearts of all Canadians. With an arial bombardment of the very symbol of his own team's futility, no less. Also, The Chipmunk gave the Jones' five bucks each to hit golf balls in a general direction for an hour, no questions asked. They are teenagers, after all.
Armed with the facts, Jason and I rushed over to Fisher Estate to inform Mike and Carrie of our findings, and clear the air once and for all. They were both extremely understanding. Seth Jones even came over to offer an apology (which they graciously accepted) and we all hung out together, had plenty of laughs and are totally best friends now you guys.
So there you have it. Another solved case for the OTF crew. Tune in next time as we do a crossover with the Clune Brothers to solve the mystery of The Disappearing Coach. (We've tried telling Richard that the coach is not missing, but is in fact gone forever. He won't listen and seems really concerned.)